What the !#X*%@*# !!

When the five grandchildren began to come along, you’d think congratulatory wishes would be forthcoming, and you would be wrong.

Too often it was a variation on the theme, "You are going to have to clean up your language now,” emphasis on you.

Well, maybe yes, and maybe no. It turned out to be no. I quickly learned you don't need to shield the children, but the parents.

I cuss in front of the parents.
I cuss in front of the children.
I do not cuss at all when the children and the parents are in the same room.


I can cuss. I learned it early, and I learned it well. My father and grandfather were my tutors. I remember toddling out in a new dress. I fell, stood up, and saw a grass stain on my new frock. Enraged, I hollered “goddamit!” My tutors laughed. My grandmother did not. She yanked them into the house as righteous flames shot from her nostrils. They forgot all about me.

Over the years I’ve made two sincere efforts to stop cussing. The result was two severe cases of hives. I looked like I had pink water noodles for arms.

Cussing isn’t bad. It’s lazy. By the time I go through all the mental gyrations required to express the pain of a stubbed toe, why bother?

However, I emphatically avoid gender and racial slurs as well as lewd references to body parts, where to put them, and to which relatives. This language is intended to insult and provoke shame and anger. It is cruel speech.

Myself, I prefer the sturdy, sensible shoes expletives. I’m a calmer person for it, not to mention a better driver.

Shit is my favorite expletive. It has so many nuanced applications because it's both a noun and a verb. Now how fun is that?

Awww shit!

Put the emphasis on awww as a response to pain, mistakes, or disappointment.

Emphasize shit and you cover frustration, surprise, or the unbidden bit of self-realization you could have bloody well done without.

Well, no shit? Good retort to the obvious.

     "I'll bet you were embarrassed finding your skirt caught up in the back of your panty-hose."

     “Well, no shit, dumb ass.”

Rat’s ass has a piquant tone and is useful in that iffy place where shit-face is too strong and darn just won’t cut it. I like it because, while it doesn’t sound bad, it is in fact really, really gross. Think about it. What is grosser than the ass of a rat? Regrettably, it doesn’t get the play it deserves.

But hey, you gotta use what works for you.

When the Littles and I are going for pizza, and I respond to the texting-while-driving idiot swerving into my lane with “YOU DUMB SHIT!” it invariably results in a reprimand from the back seat.

     "Mommy doesn’t let us say that.”

    “Of course she doesn’t because they are adult words. But you can say them when you’re old enough to drive yourself to Starbucks, drink a black coffee, and pay for it with your own money.”

Pizza rewards both the responsible and the innocent.